There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say.
“I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!”
But, hell, enough about me. How are you doing?”
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with her cat named Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then, the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which – neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair, indeed, that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!”
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:
“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”
******Google Images
*****A friend sent me this funny Cinderella tale.
I think we all could use a little humor right now.
If you haven’t read my pondering words before, you’ve been missin’ a great deal of wisdom.
I’ve been a little under the weather. Don’t get your panties in a knot. I’m not skipping out on this life just yet. I just needed a little rest.
A bunch of my fellow nursing home friends have gone to that special place in the sky. It’s a little different when you’re on a farm. News about things like that are heard at church. You know, the minister announces so-and-so has left us to be with his/ her maker. Here at my beautiful assisted living home, we hear about it more often than we’d like.
Just yesterday, I heard about my fellow resident, George Grapple, passing on due to Parkinson’s Disease. A nervous system disorder marked by tremors, muscular rigidity, and slow, imprecise movement. It robs your body of its stability. His illness was made a lot worse because he had Alzheimers too. Why – I remember when he lost his way back to his place from the dining room one evening. He was found lying in Lorna Mae’s bed. She just about wet her pants when she saw him there. Good golly, you’d da thought he could have done something. Lordy, God rest his soul. Poor darhlin’ …!!!!
But, I’ve got some other things on my mind. Like, Valentine’s Day. It was last Sunday.
Fred was a hopelessly-in-love kinda man. He was a bit rough around the edges. He wasn’t a candles or wine kinda guy. No, he was a farmer with farmer ways. He knew how to let me know he was thinking about me even when it wasn’t an assigned day.
Nope, it wasn’t just a one-day-a-year sorta thing for him.
He brought me wildflowers all the time. The kind that aren’t all the same size or shade of color like the store bought ones. The pretty ribbons he bought me at the general store were perfect for my hair when we went to Sunday sermon. A basket of fresh vegetables and fruits were a tasty unexpected treat when he came home at the end of a long day. The fruit made the best homemade pies. Mmmm … I can smell the aroma of hot apples and cinnamon from the pies that came out of the oven.
Have you been speakin’ loving words everyday to your honey?
Have you been bringing her some wildflowers not the store bought kind?
How about the hot bath you can run for her after a long worn-out-of-her-skin day?
Have you been takin’ the kids for the day so she can sit-a-spell?
How about a homemade meal when she comes in the door after work?
It isn’t the cards or the chocolates you bring her that make for a loving kinda love.
Nope, it’s the thoughtful things that make a woman feel the tenderness that her man can bring.
Fred and I would sit out on the front porch and look up at the moon while we listened to the crickets playing their nightly song. People did a lot more talkin’ and I guess a lot more spooning.
I was readin’ the newspaper this morning with my cup of tea. The colorful funnies are real good for a laugh or two. But today, I discovered some lovemaking tips of seniors.
I hope you have a good laugh. I did.
Comeback and see what else I’m pondering ….. Mabel 💗
It’s been real nice down by the lake now that Spring is around the corner. The swans are swimming ‘round in circles, dancing to the sound of the waterfall. They keep this assisted living facility real nice for us folks.
Just yesterday, Bubba came by when I was watchin’ them and told me he liked watching the swans too. “It’s real peaceful”, he said. I told you about Bubba last time we visited. He’s taken a likin’ to me. Bless his heart. I enjoy talking to him but my Fred has my heart and I still miss him.
We talked about ole crabby George. He was taken from his place a few days after our Valentine’s Day dance. Looks like he had prostrate cancer. We wondered why he’d gotten so thin. He was a grumpy ole codger. Didn’t like talkin’ to folks. He made a fuss about everything. But, no reason to talk ill of the dead. We both figured he might be happier now. Well, enough of that sad talk.
Bubba’s a funny guy. He’s always tellin’ me jokes. I thought you might like hearin’ one. Here goes:
~~~~~~~~ There’s an Aid’s Warning out ~~~~~~~~
To all of you approaching 55 years or older – this is a warning for you Seniors are the leading carriers of AIDS!!! Gardening aids Hearing aids Band Aids Walking aids Medical Aids most of all Monetary Aids for their kids. Not forgetting HIV …. Hair is Vanishing!!! And finally, the most dreadful Aids : Acute Income Deficiency Syndrome
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wasn’t that funny? I love seein’ my friends here at the assisted living home smilin’.
Heck, if we can’t laugh at ourselves than we’re really old farts. Tell someone a joke from time to time. It makes the day go better when we can see ourselves in a humorous way.
Pondering from Mabel – Love is in the Air at my Assisted Living
I’m sure you know that Valentine’s Day is just a few days away.
Love is in the air, ’cause they’re puttin’ up those
bright red hearts and balloons for our Valentine Dinner and Dance on Saturday.
I don’t know if my husband, Fred, would have been involved
with all of the celebratin’ we do here. I suppose they’re afraid we might get bored.
They have a gal from the local beauty salon donatin’ her time to doll us all up.
Bless her heart. It should go real quick considerin’ most of us have hair so thin you can see our scalps.
You get to be our age and you don’t rightly care. No sir, breathin’ is the most important.
Of course, sweet little Mary Lou Cho wears one of them new hair wigs.
She always looks real nice. Tiny little thing. I suppose her vanity has her going through all that work.
Ya’ll remember, 91 year old, Willie gettin’ lost on New year’s eve, don’t ya?
If you missed it, you can check here to read all about his foolery.
I got to pondering that, maybe, I should write about something
Seniors should be thinkin’ about for after our Valentine Dance.
I plan on dancing ’til dawn. I hope ya’ll have a real nice Valentine’s Day.
Ccome back and visit real soon.
Live Life,
Mabel
Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol or whatever you use ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want … The neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news … even if its 8PM… !!
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
Remember Old is When
’OLD’ IS WHEN… Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one;
I can’t do both!’ ’OLD’ IS WHEN… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN… Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
’OLD’ IS WHEN… You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN… ’Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. ’Getting Lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN… An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
’OLD’ IS WHEN…. You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.
***** Mabel is a fiction character I’ve developed for the purpose of writing about life with a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor from a seniors citizens point of view.
I’m just about worn out from all the celebratin’ we had going on here at my assisted living home for the holidays. The dining hall was lit up real pretty and everyone was in a festive mood.
My daughter, Tessa, wanted to celebrate New Year’s with me but I wouldn’t have it. She was here for Christmas and that was good enough. Besides, I didn’t want her and her husband, Orville, on the road on a dangerous night like that. She’s so sweet though, bless her heart.
On New Year’s eve, there were fireworks at dusk over the fountain in the man-made lake. Of course, no one would have made it to midnight.
There was a bit of fireworks over at Melba’s place right after. It looks like Willie was a bit disoriented and wound up at Melba’s place. What made it hilarious was that Willie wouldn’t get out of her bed and kept saying, “Come to bed, Honey.” At 91 years young, I think Willie was confused about how well his willie was going to do. Everyone had a good laugh about it and Melba’s dignity was restored the next day.
When all that happened, I recalled an article I had read when I was younger about Love and Marriage.
Here’s what I remember from it ….
Love & Marriage Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant .
Marriage is a take home box.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about how to get away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is never making it into the car for a drive.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothings’ in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is never watching TV.
Marriage is a fight for the remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”.
Conclusion: ”Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!!!”
Hope your year 2015 is a good one …. Live Life Hugs, Mabel
***** Mabel is a character I’ve developed for the purpose of writing about life with a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor from a seniors citizens point of view.
There was a lecture on Friday at the recreation center here at my assisted living facility. It was called ‘How to keep your brain young’.
Can you imagine having a young brain in an old body? I just about fell off my chair when I heard the real nice fella say that.
His name was Howard Hall. He wanted us to call him HH. Did he think we’d forget his name?
He said we could keep our brains from slowly dying. Well, I suppose those weren’t his exact words. It doesn’t matter. He said he wanted us to do things with our brains so we could stay more alert.
It got me to thinkin’ about all those books I used to read when Fred and I lived on the farm.
I could read a book in one night if I wasn’t tired from workin’ on the farm all day.
We didn’t have television or computers then. No, we didn’t.
In fact, some folks didn’t have electricity on their farms.
Nope … just a lantern and the light of the moon.
We’d sit out on the front porch and look up at the moon
while we listened to the crickets playing their nightly song.
People did a lot more talkin’ and I guess a lot more spooning.
I like readin’ the newspaper in the morning with my cup of tea.
I know it has lots of bad news in it but I find some fun things too.
I always like to do the crossword puzzle.
The colorful funnies are good for a laugh or two.
Now, I’ve discovered some word fun is being added from time to time.
Here’s some Punography I read today.
PUNOGRAPHY ….
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. ·
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? ·
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I hope you had a good laugh. I did.
Comeback and see what else I’m pondering ….. Mabel 💗
The night of October 31, the eve of All Saints’ Day, commonly celebrated by children who dress in costume and solicit candy or other treats door-to-door.
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Inside the Mind of Isadora 
